Monthly Archives: August 2012

B – Behaviour

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Behaviour is the B in CBT. It can be thought of as the last in the line of a chain of events which goes as follows:  Thought (Cognition) – Feeling – Behaviour (or action).  From looking at this chain we can see that our behaviour is heavily influenced by what we are feeling, which in turn, is heavily influenced by our thoughts and beliefs. 

Let me give you an example: You hop on your bathroom scales and think “I am overweight”.  This makes you feel sad/regretful/low/anxious/frustrated/ disappointed/helpless/angry.  These feelings may all lead to different actions and behaviours: crying/withdrawing/pacing/berating yourself/binge eating/starving yourself.  All of these likely actions and behaviours are negative.  It follows: if the thought is negative then (without careful monitoring) the feelings are negative and so the behaviour will be negative.

A different perspective:  Let’s now imagine that you hop on your bathroom scales and you are (still) not impressed by what you see.  This time, however, you monitor your thoughts, realise they are negative and unhelpful, and decide to do something about it.  So you think about your options which are:  (i) “I can choose to like and accept my weight as it is and how I look”, or (ii)” I can choose to change my weight and how I look”. You are now giving yourself options, which helps you to feel more in control, because now it is up to you. 

If you decide to accept how you are then you can work on self acceptance by using affirmations, becoming more authentic and working on your levels of self-esteem and resiliency.  If, however you decide to change how you are and how you look, you will want to work on specific ways of changing your thoughts, feelings and behaviours, depending on what it is you want to change.  In our example you may want to consult a professional about correct exercise and nutrition or research those areas yourself.  You may want to join a gym, take up a new sport or buddy up with a friend, buy a map of local walks and just put one foot in front of the other. 

You may feel that some CBT therapy would be useful to help you understand why you behave the way you do as we have negative automatic thoughts (known as NATs or automatic cognitions) which are so deep-rooted they pop into our mind automatically and are seemingly outside our control.  If this is the case CBT can help you to identify those thoughts and challenge and change them for the better.

The important thing is, whatever you decide to do it will be your choice because your thoughts, feelings and behaviours are all choices and, at the end of the day, it is up to you.

So Free your thoughts and live your life.

A – Authenticity

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Are you true to yourself?  Do you ‘speak your truth’, in other words, do you say, out loud, and with conviction, the thoughts and feelings that you feel inside?  Do you act according to your beliefs and stand by those thoughts and beliefs?  If you endeavour to live your life according to these and other similar principles, then you are living your life authentically.  Living authentically means having an inner integrity and being honest and up-front with yourself, in order that you can be the same with others; being self-aware and understanding what you believe, want and feel.  Living your life authentically means that you assess a situation before involving yourself, you sometimes put yourself first, and you only say what you really, honestly, truthfully mean. 

Sounds difficult doesn’t it?  Immediately we start to think along the lines of: “What if I upset somebody?” Or “what if people don’t like me saying no?” Or “What if they think I’m a ‘bad’ person?”  Rest assured anybody who matters won’t think that way at all and the reason why is simple. People who live authentic lives are being true to themselves.  They are happier, and more complete, more comfortable under their skin.  Speaking with conviction doesn’t mean a licence to offend people. It means speaking thoughtfully from the heart and being innately honest with yourself and those around you.  It doesn’t mean you have to be selfish either, in fact it is quite the opposite.  Authenticity is a form of assertiveness where you can afford to be considerate of others because you have learned to be considerate of yourself. 

Delete the words “should”, “ought” and “need” from your vocabulary as they all set you up to fail.  Every time you use these words you are telling yourself that you are not doing something that  you feel is expected of you.  Now question any thoughts that contain those words.  What does a thought mean when you think you should do something?  Does it mean that it has to be done because it is expected of me, rather than it being something that I want to do?  Live up to your expectations, not those of somebody else.  Need carries with it a feeling of desperation and a vague sense of anxiety.  Do you really need  those feelings in your life?

It is liberating to be the person you want to be, not the person you have become expected to be.  When you live your life authentically, you become easier and less stressed to live with, happier to live with and kinder to live with.  Authentic living is a win/win situation.   So why not free all those thoughts and feelings around expectations of others and allow yourself  to develop an inner wisdom in order to live your life through your inner self in a way that feels comfortable and right for you?

A – Assertiveness

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What Is Assertive Communication

Many people find that a huge amount of the stress they experience is caused by ineffective communication.  How often do you say: “Yes, I’ll do that, I don’t mind”?  And how often do you actually mean you don’t mind?

All too often we put ourselves on the line and over-extend ourselves in order to help somebody else conserve their time and energy! Of course there is nothing wrong in helping somebody because you want to and you choose to.  A problem exists when you would prefer to say “no” but find yourself saying “yes”.  Stress, anxiety and burnout are common allies of people who haven’t learned how to say “no” appropriately.

In order to be assertive about our needs and wishes, we need to practice effective communication.

Some points to bear in mind:

  • Think very carefully before agreeing to take something on.
  • When you want something, know what it is you are asking for and rehearse it first.
  • Always ensure that you talk from your ‘adult’ self.  A child talks “up” from a position of inferiority; a parent talks “down” from a position of superiority; an adult talks “across” from a position of authority and neutrality.
  • If it is important to you then it matters. Remain assertive, use the “stuck record” method if that helps.  This means choosing a phrase that sums up your position and then simply repeating it, in a quiet, authoritive way.  This will help you to refrain from becoming aggressive and over-stating your case, or passive and under-stating it.
  • Listen carefully to the other person and repeat back what they have said (reflective listening).
  • Be concise. 
  • Be positive – expect a good outcome and you will invariably get one.
  • Be aware of your body language – try to keep your body and facial expressions relaxed.
  • Remain polite at all costs and don’t lose your temper! 

Major keys to remaining assertive:  

  • Mutual respect for both your needs and the needs of others; 
  • Active Listening;
  • Understanding and respecting each other’s position.

A – Anxiety

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Do you constantly feel out of control?  That everything seems worse than it actually is? These feelings are distressing and are common symptoms of anxiety.  Other clues to anxiety are:

  •  Feeling you are about to lose control and completely ‘lose it’;
  • Wanting to “stop the world and get off”;
  • Being continuously on edge and sensitive to everything;
  • Having a general, all-pervading fear or feeling generally apprehensive, but not knowing why;
  • Worrying constantly about everything, thoughts swirling round your head;
  • “Nervous tummy”, sweating, palpitations, shortness of breath, rapid heart beat.

From time to time we may all experience some of the above symptoms, and whilst they can be very unpleasant, for most of us they are just a temporary, less enjoyable aspect of the normal ups and downs of life.  However, if you find that these feelings won’t go away and that you don’t know how to deal with them, it could mean that you are suffering from anxiety. Anxiety is a cycle of fear and worry which is very stressful and often results in a desperate longing to run away from everything.

Take heart, anxiety can be overcome. By finding the root cause(s) and then challenging and changing the associated thoughts, beliefs and perceptions that surround the cause(s) peace of mind can be regained. 

Reducing Levels of Anxiety

  • Don’t try to push the anxiety away – it will only make it worse.  Acknowledge the feeling and look at ways of dealing with it.
  • Try to connect with what it is that is making you anxious. Give yourself the time and space to do this without any interruptions and just let the thoughts come. You will be surprised at how much you already know unconsciously.  By allowing yourself this time and space, you are allowing thoughts, feelings, concerns and beliefs to come into the conscious mind, where you can deal with them on a conscious level.
  • Talk to somebody you can trust – a friend, family member, work colleague or maybe a spiritual leader. It doesn’t matter who it is as long as you can trust them to listen and offer support. Talking helps us to consciously process things better because as we say it, we hear it and feel it on different levels.  This often shines a different light on the situation.
  • Build anti-anxiety coping methods into your life by learning yoga, mindfulness and/or breathing techniques, all of which are excellent ways of reducing and eliminating the condition.
  • If neither of the above work for you then it is recommended that you seek professional help and advice. Persistent feelings of anxiety can sometimes lead to more debilitating conditions such as depression, low self-esteem and OCD and so it is important that the thoughts feelings and beliefs that are causing the anxiety are confronted and managed as quickly as possible.