Author Archives: Sarah

C – Cognitive

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Cognitive is the C in CBT and in the context of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, it means exploring the mental processes that take place in our heads.  Examples of cognitions are: 

  • Thinking
  • Remembering
  • Problem solving
  • Realising
  • Day-dreaming
  • Beliefs
  • Understanding
  • Exploring
  • Conceptualising
  • Perception
  • Worrying
  • Obsessing
  • Ideas
  • Dreaming.

These thinking processes are the cause of everything we feel, and the way in which we behave. If we are thinking positive thoughts we feel content and we smile. If we are thinking negative thoughts we feel low and we frown. 

CBT helps people to explore these cognitions in order to “root out” the negative automatic thoughts (NATS) that are troubling them. Much of our thinking is below our conscious awareness which means that we may not be able to understand why we experience certain cognitions and why they lead to unwanted feelings and behaviours. By becoming consciously aware of our cognitions, and recognising that negative ones can be challenged and changed into neutral or more positive cognitions, we are in a much stronger position to find equilibrium and contentment.  

Remember:  If you want to change your life, change your thoughts.

 

 

C – Change (Part Two)

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As humans, we naturally organise our lives into routines, habits and comfort zones because by doing that, we automatically reduce the likelihood of stress in our everyday lives.  We all have our own comfort zones, from that pair of comfy old slippers, to our hobbies, habits and routines and these are what makes our life our own.  We choose our friends and our pastimes, we choose what and when we eat and we choose what to belief and think (yes we do).  Choosing to change means taking ourselves outside our comfort zone, seeing things from a different perspective and learning new ways to think, feel and behave.

Even change that is considered to be positive, such as a new job or marriage, will still normally hold some degree of stress. How stressful we find it will be determined by our ability to cope with change and our levels of resilience.

People undergoing CBT therapy are actively wishing to change things within their lives, and yet, even though they are seeking change for positive reasons, it doesn’t necessarily follow that this change will be easy because change means learning new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving.  Not easy for us habitual, controlling, comfort zone loving human beings!

Whether change is imposed or invited, remember:

  • Accept it – Fighting or denying something that is still going to happen won’t help. 
  • Face your fears – Be Honest with yourself about how you feel.
  • Talk to the other people who are affected by the change – make sure you are all on the same page as you explore your options.
  • Do a stock-take of your resources – depending upon the situation, this may be finances, time, skills or the support of others.
  • Anticipate stress – change is rarely easy, by anticipating stress you will be forewarned and forearmed.  If you struggle to deal effectively with stress you can seek help and information through CBT therapy or by attending a Stress Management Course.

Change helps us to develop and grow as human beings which makes change a positive force.  There is always a silver lining to every cloud, even if you cannot immediately see it!

 

 

C – Change (Part One)

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Whilst some of us thrive on change and transformation, others will seek to avoid it. Our reaction to change will be the result of our life’s experiences to date. If you have experienced a lot of change in your life and dealt with it successfully, then you will find it easier to confront change the next time. If, however you have always sought to avoid change and found it frightening, confusing and difficult to adjust to, then you will continue to react in that way unless you decide to do something about it. Change is such a difficult concept for so many of us that companies often run change management programmes to help their employees cope when they are undergoing change within their organisation.

The reality is that change is a part of life, whether it be imposed change or wanted change.   

Major changes can be difficult to cope with and require the ability to adjust and accept to a new way of being.  It is no surprise that major life changes are the biggest stress factors in our life whether positive (marriage, new baby, Christmas) or negative (divorce, bereavement, illness).  Imposed change is normally seen as negative because it is something that has been forced upon us.  It is not desirable, often unpredictable, and it takes us outside of our comfort zones as it forces us to look at things differently and to adopt new ways of being.  It isn’t what we chose or wanted and it is outside of our control and so it is no surprise that we find imposed change to be stressful, upsetting and disorientating. 

 

 

 

If you would like some tips to help you manage change, whether imposed or wanted, then please come back Saturday when the second part of this blog will be posted. 

Your comments are always appreciated!

B – Belief

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An individual’s belief system is created from birth, in fact, possibly even before birth. Every external message received by the mind contributes towards how an individual sees him or herself.  Our belief system is the culmination of other people’s opinions, attitudes and reactions about and to our selves. During our early years we subconsciously assume these beliefs and attitudes since they are given to us by those we hold in authority and respect, ie: parents, grandparents, teachers, etc. The self-image that we build up may be either helped or hindered and is entirely dependent upon the perception of the individual and upon the attitudes and opinions foisted upon him or her.  If our beliefs are left unquestioned and undoubted then we will eventually become that which we truly believe ourselves to be, whether positive or negative.  Our self-image therefore becomes our true self.

As adults, we remain within our belief system because it is comfortable to do so.  We feel safe and protected within our environment, even when the situation is a negative or self-damaging one. Individuals often choose to remain in their environment, even if their life is full of pain or sadness.  This is because a person’s belief system reinforces the conviction that the position he or she is in, is what he or she deserves.  This reinforcement of the belief system is known as a closed personal loop: one which constantly supports a person’s life-long held beliefs about himself and the way he should live his life and how his life should be.  There are three parts to this loop (i) the behaviour of the person, (ii) the self-talk that he/she persists in, and (iii) his/her own self-image and his or her expectations of his/her self. However, all human beings can choose to change their beliefs and attitudes should they wish to do so, since we choose our own beliefs and attitudes in the first place.

If negative beliefs are addressed and dealt with, then behaviour and emotions will be improved.  It is the responsibility of the CBT therapist to enable his or her client to assess and analyse his or her beliefs, assumptions and thoughts in order to challenge and confront them and so effect long-term, positive change.

Beliefs can hold you back forever or they can enable you to achieve your highest potential.  The choice is yours.

B – Behaviour

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Behaviour is the B in CBT. It can be thought of as the last in the line of a chain of events which goes as follows:  Thought (Cognition) – Feeling – Behaviour (or action).  From looking at this chain we can see that our behaviour is heavily influenced by what we are feeling, which in turn, is heavily influenced by our thoughts and beliefs. 

Let me give you an example: You hop on your bathroom scales and think “I am overweight”.  This makes you feel sad/regretful/low/anxious/frustrated/ disappointed/helpless/angry.  These feelings may all lead to different actions and behaviours: crying/withdrawing/pacing/berating yourself/binge eating/starving yourself.  All of these likely actions and behaviours are negative.  It follows: if the thought is negative then (without careful monitoring) the feelings are negative and so the behaviour will be negative.

A different perspective:  Let’s now imagine that you hop on your bathroom scales and you are (still) not impressed by what you see.  This time, however, you monitor your thoughts, realise they are negative and unhelpful, and decide to do something about it.  So you think about your options which are:  (i) “I can choose to like and accept my weight as it is and how I look”, or (ii)” I can choose to change my weight and how I look”. You are now giving yourself options, which helps you to feel more in control, because now it is up to you. 

If you decide to accept how you are then you can work on self acceptance by using affirmations, becoming more authentic and working on your levels of self-esteem and resiliency.  If, however you decide to change how you are and how you look, you will want to work on specific ways of changing your thoughts, feelings and behaviours, depending on what it is you want to change.  In our example you may want to consult a professional about correct exercise and nutrition or research those areas yourself.  You may want to join a gym, take up a new sport or buddy up with a friend, buy a map of local walks and just put one foot in front of the other. 

You may feel that some CBT therapy would be useful to help you understand why you behave the way you do as we have negative automatic thoughts (known as NATs or automatic cognitions) which are so deep-rooted they pop into our mind automatically and are seemingly outside our control.  If this is the case CBT can help you to identify those thoughts and challenge and change them for the better.

The important thing is, whatever you decide to do it will be your choice because your thoughts, feelings and behaviours are all choices and, at the end of the day, it is up to you.

So Free your thoughts and live your life.

A – Authenticity

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Are you true to yourself?  Do you ‘speak your truth’, in other words, do you say, out loud, and with conviction, the thoughts and feelings that you feel inside?  Do you act according to your beliefs and stand by those thoughts and beliefs?  If you endeavour to live your life according to these and other similar principles, then you are living your life authentically.  Living authentically means having an inner integrity and being honest and up-front with yourself, in order that you can be the same with others; being self-aware and understanding what you believe, want and feel.  Living your life authentically means that you assess a situation before involving yourself, you sometimes put yourself first, and you only say what you really, honestly, truthfully mean. 

Sounds difficult doesn’t it?  Immediately we start to think along the lines of: “What if I upset somebody?” Or “what if people don’t like me saying no?” Or “What if they think I’m a ‘bad’ person?”  Rest assured anybody who matters won’t think that way at all and the reason why is simple. People who live authentic lives are being true to themselves.  They are happier, and more complete, more comfortable under their skin.  Speaking with conviction doesn’t mean a licence to offend people. It means speaking thoughtfully from the heart and being innately honest with yourself and those around you.  It doesn’t mean you have to be selfish either, in fact it is quite the opposite.  Authenticity is a form of assertiveness where you can afford to be considerate of others because you have learned to be considerate of yourself. 

Delete the words “should”, “ought” and “need” from your vocabulary as they all set you up to fail.  Every time you use these words you are telling yourself that you are not doing something that  you feel is expected of you.  Now question any thoughts that contain those words.  What does a thought mean when you think you should do something?  Does it mean that it has to be done because it is expected of me, rather than it being something that I want to do?  Live up to your expectations, not those of somebody else.  Need carries with it a feeling of desperation and a vague sense of anxiety.  Do you really need  those feelings in your life?

It is liberating to be the person you want to be, not the person you have become expected to be.  When you live your life authentically, you become easier and less stressed to live with, happier to live with and kinder to live with.  Authentic living is a win/win situation.   So why not free all those thoughts and feelings around expectations of others and allow yourself  to develop an inner wisdom in order to live your life through your inner self in a way that feels comfortable and right for you?

A – Assertiveness

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What Is Assertive Communication

Many people find that a huge amount of the stress they experience is caused by ineffective communication.  How often do you say: “Yes, I’ll do that, I don’t mind”?  And how often do you actually mean you don’t mind?

All too often we put ourselves on the line and over-extend ourselves in order to help somebody else conserve their time and energy! Of course there is nothing wrong in helping somebody because you want to and you choose to.  A problem exists when you would prefer to say “no” but find yourself saying “yes”.  Stress, anxiety and burnout are common allies of people who haven’t learned how to say “no” appropriately.

In order to be assertive about our needs and wishes, we need to practice effective communication.

Some points to bear in mind:

  • Think very carefully before agreeing to take something on.
  • When you want something, know what it is you are asking for and rehearse it first.
  • Always ensure that you talk from your ‘adult’ self.  A child talks “up” from a position of inferiority; a parent talks “down” from a position of superiority; an adult talks “across” from a position of authority and neutrality.
  • If it is important to you then it matters. Remain assertive, use the “stuck record” method if that helps.  This means choosing a phrase that sums up your position and then simply repeating it, in a quiet, authoritive way.  This will help you to refrain from becoming aggressive and over-stating your case, or passive and under-stating it.
  • Listen carefully to the other person and repeat back what they have said (reflective listening).
  • Be concise. 
  • Be positive – expect a good outcome and you will invariably get one.
  • Be aware of your body language – try to keep your body and facial expressions relaxed.
  • Remain polite at all costs and don’t lose your temper! 

Major keys to remaining assertive:  

  • Mutual respect for both your needs and the needs of others; 
  • Active Listening;
  • Understanding and respecting each other’s position.

A – Anxiety

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Do you constantly feel out of control?  That everything seems worse than it actually is? These feelings are distressing and are common symptoms of anxiety.  Other clues to anxiety are:

  •  Feeling you are about to lose control and completely ‘lose it’;
  • Wanting to “stop the world and get off”;
  • Being continuously on edge and sensitive to everything;
  • Having a general, all-pervading fear or feeling generally apprehensive, but not knowing why;
  • Worrying constantly about everything, thoughts swirling round your head;
  • “Nervous tummy”, sweating, palpitations, shortness of breath, rapid heart beat.

From time to time we may all experience some of the above symptoms, and whilst they can be very unpleasant, for most of us they are just a temporary, less enjoyable aspect of the normal ups and downs of life.  However, if you find that these feelings won’t go away and that you don’t know how to deal with them, it could mean that you are suffering from anxiety. Anxiety is a cycle of fear and worry which is very stressful and often results in a desperate longing to run away from everything.

Take heart, anxiety can be overcome. By finding the root cause(s) and then challenging and changing the associated thoughts, beliefs and perceptions that surround the cause(s) peace of mind can be regained. 

Reducing Levels of Anxiety

  • Don’t try to push the anxiety away – it will only make it worse.  Acknowledge the feeling and look at ways of dealing with it.
  • Try to connect with what it is that is making you anxious. Give yourself the time and space to do this without any interruptions and just let the thoughts come. You will be surprised at how much you already know unconsciously.  By allowing yourself this time and space, you are allowing thoughts, feelings, concerns and beliefs to come into the conscious mind, where you can deal with them on a conscious level.
  • Talk to somebody you can trust – a friend, family member, work colleague or maybe a spiritual leader. It doesn’t matter who it is as long as you can trust them to listen and offer support. Talking helps us to consciously process things better because as we say it, we hear it and feel it on different levels.  This often shines a different light on the situation.
  • Build anti-anxiety coping methods into your life by learning yoga, mindfulness and/or breathing techniques, all of which are excellent ways of reducing and eliminating the condition.
  • If neither of the above work for you then it is recommended that you seek professional help and advice. Persistent feelings of anxiety can sometimes lead to more debilitating conditions such as depression, low self-esteem and OCD and so it is important that the thoughts feelings and beliefs that are causing the anxiety are confronted and managed as quickly as possible.

A – Anger

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A – Anger

Simply put, anger is about a perceived lack of control over a situation, person, thought, belief or feeling. I write perceived because, as with all of our feelings, beliefs and thoughts, it doesn’t matter whether they are actually real or not, what matters is that we believe them to be true.

As shown (right), there are many things that might trigger anger and because we are all unique, the triggers will be different for each of us. However, anger is not all bad since it can be positive force or a negative one, depending upon how that anger is used and the type of behaviour that is chosen to express it. Used positively, anger brings forth change, it gets people thinking, changes views and opinions and it promotes discussion which in turn leads to action and change.  The acceptable way to use anger to promote change is to convert the frustration behind that anger into assertive action. Assertive action is an appropriate and acceptable method for putting your views, wishes and opinions across.

Aggressive anger, on the other hand, is not good for anybody.  It seeks to diminish the person you are angry at and at the same time diminishes you by making you feel bad.  Even if you are able to justify your anger to yourself, you still have to convince other people that your behaviour is acceptable and that is not an easy task if your behaviour is inappropriate. 

So how do we convert anger in our everyday lives?  Some examples:

  • Let’s say a work colleague is rude to you, instead of being rude back, try politely explaining to that person that you feel they are being rude and that you don’t respond positively to rudeness.
  • Anger is sometimes a result of feeling threatened.  If we feel insecure we over-defend ourselves by fighting back.  A more appropriate response would be to ask ourselves why we feel insecure, and seek ways to dealing with it.
  • When somebody cuts you up next time in the car, try to empathise with them instead of cursing them. Try rationalising the situation by considering that their journey may be more urgent than yours.  Or maybe normally they are a good driver but today, like all of us, they had a brief lapse in concentration.
  • Golden rule: Think first before you respond.  Anger is a primitive emotion that we use without thought.  If you are able to think first, respond second, you are a long way towards conquering your anger.

 

A – Affirmations

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                                                                                Affirmations             

CBT is about challenging negative thoughts, seeking to change them into neutral ones and allowing positive thoughts to follow.  Affirmations are a very powerful tool that can be used to help achieve those changes with a great number of challenging issues such as: Anxiety, Depression, Low Self-Esteem, Phobias and OCD.  Affirmations are often under-valued and this is probably due to a lack of understanding about how they work and how they can be used to greatest effect.  Firstly let’s take a look at how they work.

 How Affirmations Work

Consider, for example, somebody who has a lack of self-confidence.  He will have, running around his head, all his NATs (negative automatic thoughts) relating to his low levels of self-confidence.  The sole purpose of these NATs is to constantly remind, re-affirm and reinforce the feelings surrounding his lack of confidence. This internal voice repeats negative statements to the self, such as “I am no good at talking to people”, “I’m rubbish at learning new skills”, “I can’t get anything right”, etc are all examples of NATs.  These subconscious thoughts are very good at consistently reminding the desperately under-confident individual just how useless he is in the confidence stakes, and what is really important is he believes them! 

Now let’s take a look at somebody who has successfully used affirmations to help him overcome his lack of confidence.  He has chosen several positive affirmations that he uses frequently to habitually remind himself that he can realise whatever he wants to achieve by telling himself: “I know that I can master anything I want to” and he has built up faith in himself by replacing negative statements with positive statements such as “today I am willing to fail in order to succeed tomorrow” and “I have complete trust in myself”.  Our newly Mr Confident is happy in his thoughts because he has consciously replaced his subconscious NATs with positive thoughts.  Sounds easy right? It is as long as you stick at it and have faith in it.

 Rules For Effective Affirmations

  1. Choose affirmations that resonate with you.  They must ‘ring true’ in order that you can believe them of yourself.  In other words be authentic with yourself by not trying to tell yourself something you don’t mean.  If it doesn’t ‘feel’ right, don’t use it.
  2. Repeat them when they matter.  If your affirmation relates to confidence, then remind yourself before encountering a situation that will require confidence, for example before an important meeting:  “I have all the tools I need to succeed”.
  3. Remember that affirmations are most effective when you are feeling relaxed and your ‘guard’ is down, as the more relaxed we are, the more receptive and accepting we are to new thoughts, feelings and ideas.    
  4. Try to record them and play them to yourself so that you can listen to them – a good time to listen is before sleep and while you are asleep as your subconscious will still hear them and again, be more receptive.

Affirm your belief in affirmations and start using them today! 

If you would like a free mp3 downloaded affirmation, please leave a comment and by clicking on the speech bubble above and then going to the resources page.