Tag Archives: Emotions

Guilt – (Part Two)

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In Guilt (part one) we looked at the definition of guilt, and the first two types of guilt.  So let’s have a look now at the  other three main types of guilt, and what to do about them.

Guilt for something you think you did:  Our thoughts are so powerful we often talk about our thoughts owning us rather than the reality of us owning our thoughts!  Because we can often believe the power of our thoughts without question, they can sometimes lead to irrational beliefs. For example, you wish ill to somebody through your thoughts: “I really hope their prize-winning roses die so that I may have a chance of winning the gardening competition”.  Then what happens? You get what you wished for and those flowers die.  We irrationally feel guilty, as if our thoughts alone have caused those flowers to die.  In some small, unheard, area of your mind, you know that you didn’t really cause those flowers to die – after all, you are not omnipotent – so why do you feel so guilty?  Remember that actions, not thoughts cause harm, and let the guilt go.

Guilt that you didn’t do enough to help someone:  If you, like many others, are kind hearted, conscientious and caring, then you are more prone to feeling this type of guilt. You may have given hours of your free time to help somebody who was maybe ill, or unhappy, lonely or Guilt 4struggling.  However, you may also find that however much you do, you still feel that it wasn’t enough when that person is still sad, lonely, or unwell. The guilt starts to get to you and you try desperately to carry on helping them, despite the toll it’s taking on you. This type of emotional and/or physical burnout is sometimes called ‘compassion fatigue’ and is usually used to describe a condition found amongst professional helpers. Adding to the overall emotional drain of the situation is the guilt you overlay on top of the fatigue because you think you should be doing more. What is most important in this situation is to separate your feelings around why you want to help.  Is it because you just want to be of help and support, or because you fear that the guilt will overwhelm you if you don’t?   Acting out of guilt can only drain you further and ultimately make you a less effective helper.

Guilt that you’re doing better than someone else: The term ‘survivor guilt’ is applied to those people who survive a traumatic event in which others do not survive, or are perceived to suffer more deeply than the survivor. This condition is recognised by professionals who work with those combat veterans who outlive their fellow troops.

Survivor guilt can also be felt by those who feel they have made a better life for themselves than their family or friends or even (if you are very compassionate) than those who are simply less fortunate.  This irrational form of guilt can deeply affect the quality of a person’s life as Gratitude 9he may well over-compensate financially, emotionally or in other ways. The only way you can effectively cure survivor guilt is to turn that guilt into gratitude. Remind yourself how grateful you are for your life and the opportunities you have had.  Also remember that others would derive no benefit should you fail (or not have survived a disaster), and so you may as well appreciate and enjoy your success.

You can’t live a completely guilt-free life however, by being consciously aware of, monitoring, your thoughts and converting guilt to remorse, you can keep it within manageable bounds. If there is a positive side to guilt, it is that it can help you to understand yourself better and to question your motives, your attitudes and your actions.  By recognising when you have done wrong, you can seek to recompense, let go of the destructive feelings of guilt and behave differently in the future.

Free Your Thoughts – Life Your Life!

G – Guilt (Part One)

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Guilt is an uncomfortable emotion that results from our thoughts telling us that we have been responsible for causing harm or misfortune to somebody or something.  It is a negative emotion that causes anxiety and sadness and often results in anger directed at the self along with internal confusion. People suffering from a condition called ‘chronic guilt’ find that they experience negative feelings of guilt due to their tendency to misinterpret what happens to them and not to question the logic of their conclusions. In CBT, treatment often involves teaching people to rid themselves of the ‘negative automatic thoughts’ they have which tell them that they’ve caused others to suffer. People constantly plagued by guilt are also taught to recognise their ‘dysfunctional attitudes’ so that they recognise when they’re going through such mental processes as catastrophising (making the very worst of a bad situation) or over-generalising (believing that if one bad thing happened, many more must have as well). As CBT enables a person to change their emotions by changing their thoughts, this kind of treatment is very powerful in eradicating chronic guilt and self-blame:  Once somebody can realise that they inaccurately see himself as causing others to suffer, he can readjust his mental set and more realistically figure out his role in whatever grief came their way.

According to Susan Krauss Whitbourne, 2012, the causes of guilt can be broken down into five basic types.

(See: http://www.psychologytoday.com /blog/fulfillment-any-age/201208/the-definitive-guide-guilt?page=1.)

Guilt for something you did: Maybe you hurt somebody by your actions. Or maybe you violated your personal principles by lying or stealing, or by breaking a promise to you or somebody else (such as smoking or drinking or cheating on your new, healthy diet). In this type of scenario, it is appropriate to feel guilty.  It is however, much more healthy to convert those feelings of guilt to ones of remorse.  Guilt is negative state: it is stagnant and can result in over-thinking about the situation, which, in turn, can  lead to negative automatic thoughts. In short, guilt does not serve a positive purpose as it does not manifest anything positive. On the other hand, remorse encourages positive action. Feelings of remorse encourage you to accept that you have behaved badly, apologise to whomever it may be that you have wronged and then look at ways of avoiding behaving the same way in the future. If you’ve violated your own personal standards (eg: through over-use of alcohol or cheating on your partner), you can best avoid straying in the future by seeking support from others who can help you rid yourself of this habit or help you to keep going when new patterns of behaviour become difficult to stick to> It is also worth bearing in mind that we are all egocentric. This means that we spend a lot of our time being caught up with how we are thinking, feeling and behaving.  It may well be that we are feeling incredibly guilty about something that, to somebody else, is of little importance.  That comment you made that you later realised may have sounded very insulting may not even have been noticed by the other person!

Guilt for something you didn’t do, but want to:  No matter how hard you try, your thoughts are filled with doing something that you know you shouldn’t. Having a sneaky cigarette, lying to your partner, in fact anything that you would normally consider to be dishonest, unfaithful, or illegal. This is a tough type of guilt to handle. It’s true that you haven’t actually done anything wrong and so technically you are ‘innocent’ however we all know that the very fact that you’re contemplating an act that violates your own standards can be as guilt-provoking as the act itself.

If you are struggling with these kinds of thoughts, you could choose to repress (plug up) or deny (push away) those thoughts and feelings or you could try an approach called ‘Acceptance and Commitment Therapy’ (ACT). ACT allows you to recognise that you have these illicit thoughts, accept them as part of who you are right now, and then, commit yourself to changing your behaviour so that you don’t follow through on them. Instead of trying to shove those illicit thoughts and feelings under the carpet, you can consciously embrace your illicit thoughts and desires and work on reducing them to something that your conscience finds acceptable.

To be continued …

E – Emotions

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Emotions are a form of energy that flows within our body/mind.  Right now your emotions  may be a raging torrent of anger, frustration or desperation, or maybe a gentle loving stream of contentment, or even a pool of calm and peacefulness. Whatever type of emotion is present within you, it will affect your thinking, your behaviour and your perception of the current moment. 

Just for a moment, take yourself back to a time when you felt very angry and it appeared that everything was against you. During that angry interlude, life felt like a battle: that nothing was going right. Now remember a time when you felt extremely happy and it felt like you were in the flow of life and everything felt good and right.  This is the power of your emotions. 

Although it is easy to believe that our emotions govern us, this is not actually true.  Our thoughts dictate our emotions, just as they dominate our beliefs and behaviours.  Our internal chattering translates into our emotions, leading to our behaviours.  The key to feeling contentment instead of frustration, and joy instead of anger, is to be more aware of our thoughts and to choose them wisely.  If you don’t want to be unhappy, you can learn to challenge those unhappy thoughts, release them and change them for neutral or happy thoughts. If you no longer wish to feel stuck, then lift the lid to your thoughts and allow yourself to create the answers you need for change in your life.  It may sound simple and that is because it is actually very straightforward. 

The real challenge is making the committment to changing your emotions and sticking to it.  With a little determination, some support from people around you and maybe some professional guidance, you can decide to choose your thoughts and manage your emotions successfully.

“You are the ultimate influence in your life. Inspire yourself wisely” – Maya Phillips, “Emotional Excellence.”